This is a work of fiction. Please don’t email me with factual errors 🙂
These are glory days in Australia. First Tony Abbot awards a Knighthood to old Prince Philip. Phil would have been chuffed for a few minutes – or maybe not. Where is Australia again?
Next, the Socceroos win the Asian Cup. Now I strongly believe this would not have happened if Tony hadn’t done the Knighthood thing. Everyone wants to be knighted now and our boys would like nothing better than a horse, a sword and a good old-fashioned feast.
Now I have it on good authority from my mates in Canberra that Tony is going a step further this week. A big step. A master-plan. In order to take media attention off the Liberals’ drubbing in the Queensland elections, Tony has decided to make George W Bush (the junior one) a Saint. Yes, you heard correctly. St George of Dallas.
Now some traditionalists may think Beatification is not the role of the Australian Prime Minister and I see their point. Yet for too long this job has been held by those at the top of the Holy Roman Catholic Church and for too long they’ve been sitting on their hands waiting for the next miracle – which to be honest, may be a fair way off.
Always the progressive Catholic, Tony Abbott has had enough and I can’t blame him. The bestowing of Sainthood should be a job for all folk, not just those in red robes. By Beatifying George W Bush, Tony has taken Sainthood out of the hands of the Cardinals and in his trademark subtle way, given us all permission to bestow Knight-hoods, Saint-hoods and royal titles to whoever we please. Power to the people! A master-plan indeed. All hail Tony!
For example, on the weekend I made my good friend and old teaching buddy Mark Smith a Prince.
Mark was the inventor of a headset worn by tennis fans attending Maria Sharapova matches. In reality, it was just a set of industrial earmuffs made into the shape of small tennis rackets. He called the headset the ‘Maria Shav-wrap-over and sold millions to those tired of her grunting and wanting to save their hearing. I also gave him 16,000 hectares of prime land at Jervis Bay. Well done Prince Mark. All rise.
On a roll, I then bestowed the title ‘Earl of the Garter’ on the famous Japanese inventor Yoshika Naramatsu for his invention of the ‘Toilet Roll Hat (pictured).
This simple invention has revolutionized treatment of the common cold. Well done Yoshika Naramatsu – Earl of the Garter. All rise.
We should all now follow in Tony’s footsteps and award those we admire the awards they deserve. We need not know them and indeed they could be dead. They may even be fictional. They may not even be human. They could even be a politician. I’m seriously thinking of Beatifying both Tim Cahill and Cadel Evans. They’ve done more to unify this country than any member of parliament.
In a couple of years, we’ll all be asked to think hard and bestow the award of ‘Prime Minister’ once again. Let’s hope we think a little harder this time.