Not serious, but worth a giggle…
- Anything I read, see or hear can be used for any purpose which brings me money or adulation.
- Nothing you share with me is private including rude pictures, nasty comments about others or posts / messages written between 1am – 5am when you’ve been out but can’t remember where.
- If shared with me, your medical history will be made available to any organization legal or illegal unless you then pay a service fee to me for the recall of that information. The fee will be less than $23,000
- As a ‘friend’ on this service, I reserve the right to make up inappropriate yet convincing stories related to your personal affairs, health status, relationships, employment or financial dealings. Your name will be used fully in these stories and include a face photograph if necessary.
- Any photograph you post can be changed to reflect my mood at the time which is often depressed, lonely and sad. Altered photographs will be re-posted within 24 hours.
- Any ‘friend’ posting overly positive, funny, happy or celebratory items not in keeping with my mood will have angry face emojis stuck to that post. These emojis will also be posted by the 2,472 other profiles I own on this service. This particularly relates to holiday photos, baby snaps, wedding items or anything to do with birthdays.
- Finally, my friendship is free and always will be unless you are deemed to be overly costly in terms of not liking, commenting and sharing my posts. ‘Friends’ not liking, commenting or sharing my posts/photographs will be charged a fee based on their Body Mass Index (BMI) which I currently hold on record. This record is updated daily according to the number of calories in food photographs you post here, on Instagram or any text message I receive.