Tag Archives: Tim Cahill

The new stars of Australian Cricket

MEDIA RELEASE cricket-australia-logo

For immediate release

19th November 2016 – 8am

Debutantes receive Baggy Green Caps in preparation for 3rd Test

The 3rd test team to play South Africa starting on 24th November in Adelaide has been named with some surprises signaling a change in direction for Australian cricket.

The team is Steve Smith (C), David Warner (VC) Usman Khawaja, Buddy Franklin (WK), Tim Cahill,  Mitchell Starc, Israel Filou, Steven Bradbury, Nathan Lyon, Black Caviar, Cooper Cronk and Digger the Staffy x Cattle dog (12th man).brad-with-cap-2

With two non-humans in the squad Cricket Australia expects some raised eyebrows from traditionalists but Chairman James Sutherland states the selection is entirely within the rules.

"I'll be fielding close in at short leg. They won't get past me." said Black Caviar
“I’ll be fielding close in at short leg. They won’t get past me.” said Black Caviar

“There is absolutely nothing in the rules that forbids including non-humans in the squad. There are rules about gender but no mention of species. Both Cavo and Digger are males and are fitting in well with the others. We’re expecting big things from both of them.

“Black Caviar is extremely intimidating in the field – especially when fielding at short leg. Digger is very fast in the outfield and returns the ball with tremendous enthusiasm.” Sutherland said.

The squad will commence training at Rosehill Racecourse before flying out in two shipping containers on Wednesday.

Perhaps Steven Bradbury, the Gold Medal winning Aussie Speed skater from the  2002 Winter Olympics was the biggest surprise of all. He has been chosen for his ability to come back from last to win at all costs.

I know I'm in for my fielding but I plan to score runs too." said Digger
I know I’m in for my fielding but I plan to score runs too.” said Digger

“I’m delighted to be chosen and am going out today to buy a bat. I’m taking big Davey Warner with me to help choose and we’re looking forward to shopping together.” Bradbury said.

Other newcomers like Cahill, Cronk, Folau and Franklin have been watching footage of games from the 1970’s involving stars like Doug Walters, Max Walker and Greg Chappell in order to learn the game quickly and properly. Israel Folau has been particularly taken with the skills and demeanor of Doug Walters who he is trying to emulate in every way.c14c0533d3153f19e8a071cae91067c7-2

“I never thought I’d take up smoking and drinking but I’ll do anything for Australian Cricket. Dougy was doing 40 cigs a day when he scored a century in both innings against the Windies. If that’s what it takes I’ll do it.” Folau said.

Tickets to the game go on sale on Monday wth CA adding a new ‘pet friendly’ seating zone for fans of Digger and Caviar to watch their debut.

ENDS

Media Contact: Phil Dye 0412 678 179

 

 

BREAKING NEWS. Abbott makes George Bush a Saint!

This is a work of fiction. Please don’t email me with factual errors 🙂

These are glory days in Australia. First Tony Abbot awards a Knighthood to old Prince Philip. Phil would have been chuffed for a few minutes – or maybe not. Where is Australia again?

Next, the Socceroos win the Asian Cup. Now I strongly believe this would not have happened if Tony hadn’t done the Knighthood thing. Everyone wants to be knighted now and our boys would like nothing better than a horse, a sword and a good old-fashioned feast.

Now I have it on good authority from my mates in Canberra that Tony is going a step further this week. A big step. A master-plan. In order to take media attention off the Liberals’  drubbing in the Queensland elections, Tony has decided to make George W Bush (the junior one) a Saint. Yes, you heard correctly. St George of Dallas.

George W Bush being told about his Beatification
George W Bush being told about his Beatification

Now some traditionalists may think Beatification is not the role of the Australian Prime Minister and I see their point. Yet for too long this job has been held by those at the top of the Holy Roman Catholic Church and for too long they’ve been sitting on their hands waiting for the next miracle – which to be honest, may be a fair way off.

Always the progressive Catholic, Tony  Abbott has had enough and I can’t blame him. The bestowing of Sainthood should be a job for all folk, not just those in red robes. By Beatifying George W Bush, Tony has taken Sainthood out of the hands of the Cardinals and in his trademark subtle way,  given us all permission to bestow Knight-hoods, Saint-hoods and royal titles to whoever we please. Power to the people! A master-plan indeed. All hail Tony!

For example,  on the weekend I made my good friend and old teaching buddy Mark Smith a Prince.

The Wrap-overs sold millions
The Wrap-overs sold millions

Mark was the inventor of a headset worn by tennis fans attending Maria Sharapova matches. In reality, it was just a set of industrial earmuffs made into the shape of small tennis rackets. He called the headset the ‘Maria Shav-wrap-over and sold millions to those tired of her grunting and wanting to save their hearing. I also gave him 16,000 hectares of prime land at Jervis Bay. Well done Prince Mark. All rise.

On a roll, I then bestowed the title ‘Earl of the Garter’ on the famous Japanese inventor Yoshika Naramatsu for his invention of the ‘Toilet Roll Hat (pictured).

Toilet Roll Hat - Brilliant!
Toilet Roll Hat – Brilliant!

This simple invention has revolutionized treatment of the common cold. Well done Yoshika Naramatsu – Earl of the Garter. All rise.

We should all now follow in Tony’s footsteps and award those we admire the awards they deserve. We need not know them and indeed they could be dead. They may even be fictional. They may not even be human. They could even be a politician. I’m seriously thinking of Beatifying  both Tim Cahill and Cadel Evans. They’ve done more to unify this country than any member of parliament.

In a couple of years, we’ll all be asked to think hard and bestow the award of ‘Prime Minister’ once again. Let’s hope we think a little harder this time.